BouncyMischa (bouncymischa) wrote,

  • Mood:

Conflicts of Interests

So... I know I hardly post anything here. Last night I thought about posting something, since I've updated my list of goals I want to achieve in my life... but was too exhausted after work. And today, well... now I'm feeling depressed.

Thinking about it caused me to think about -why- I don't post much... so I thought I'd babble about that a bit.

I suppose at the heart it comes down to: what is the point? I mean, the main purpose of the livejournal seems to be sharing things that you want to share with your friends -- news about your life, your feelings on things, and so on.

But what do I have to share? My life is not particularly exciting. I've had some frictions and problems at work, like always, but who wants to hear about that? I've been somewhat depressed about the lack of meaning and purpose in my life, but what's there to say about that? What's the point of talking about anything depressing? After all, it's not like anyone else can reach into me and fix those faulty parts that keep causing these problems. Nobody can wave a magic wand and make me feel happier about myself or more optimistic about my life. It's something I have to do on my own, and I've drawn on the support of others so much that by this point, it almost feels like all people can do is to offer platitudes. I know my friends want to be there to support me, but honestly, what can they do? :(

On the other hand... when I do turn to my friends and talk about things, it usually helps to some degree. I feel rather shallow, in that simply knowing people do actually care about me and value me in various ways helps me feel better... but maybe that's just part of being human. I spend an inordinate amount of time feeling worthless or wondering how much people value me... I just wish I could find a way to get over that.

On the other hand, sometimes it seems when I have too many people around me, every movement just ends up hurting someone.

One other part that discourages me is that even when I do get over whatever is depressing me, and I rebound... the deeper, underlying issues don't seem to get resolved. I know I've gotten a LOT better than I was 10 years ago, so some progress has been made... but there are still these deep, deep faults in myself that keep triggering my depressive episodes. I hate being repetitive and not making any progress with them... but I'm not really sure if it is even possible.

I think I've rambled a fair bit about this at this point... I'll just leave off here. Maybe later I can post that updated list of goals, for something more cheerful to think about :3
  • Post a new comment


    default userpic